Rattlesnakes & Reality

I thought some of the darndest things as a kid. And I was super into souvenirs, and a major fan of gift shops. That last part hasn’t changed actually.  Every family vacation I had to come home with a souvenir. There was a stuffed squirrel from Lake Tahoe, a pair of purple alien boxer shorts from New Mexico, and at least six different decks of cards.  The best/weirdest/scariest/most ridiculous souvenir I ever brought home was from the family trip to the Grand Canyon.

One Thanksgiving break, the Best Family 5 loaded up in the van and headed east.  We did the whole touristy thing – stayed in the grand hotel, took the train ride, and gasp! the train was robbed by outlaws.  And no national park is complete without a gift shop bigger than my elementary school’s auditorium. Before we left, we hit up the shop, and it was my time to shine.

To this day, there is still no solid explanation for why I chose the souvenir that I did.  But I did, and I was beyond thrilled.  My souvenir of choice was a small envelope full of “rattlesnake eggs.” The front of the envelope had a picture of a rattlesnake, some quick facts, and directions to care for your new eggs.  I had rattlesnake eggs!  I was so pumped!  I was going to take such good care of those little guys.

We returned home, and us kids returned to school. A week later, and the novelty of the eggs had not worn off.  I was still very enthusiastic about my choice.  Another two weeks or so passed, and I was the proud soon-to-be-mother of rattlesnake babies.

Shortly thereafter, I began to realize there might be something amiss with my rattlesnake eggs. I thought I was taking care of them, and yet they hadn’t hatched, or moved, or done anything other than sit in their envelope. I talked to mama B about it.  Bless her buttons for humoring her silly little curly-haired kid. Mama B suggested I open the envelope and check in on the little darlings.

I opened the envelope, still fully expecting to see rattlesnake eggs (wtf do those even look like?!) inside. When I dumped out the contents, my poor little heart broke.  Inside there were just beans.  Beans! I grew a little bit wiser that day.

In very, very, very near hindsight, it is SO much better that there were not eggs in that envelope. What was I to do with rattlesnakes?  I don’t even like snakes.  Also, by the freaking way, rattlesnakes are little bits poisonous.

A sadder, wiser, kid B learned a valuable lesson that day – you can’t always trust what you see in a gift shop. And really – she dodged a major bullet that day.